It was beyond difficult to wake up this morning, mainly because I had a two year old waking me up every hour, but because Renée started daycare today. *cue the waterworks*
I’ve been having the hardest time sharing this blog piece, simply because of the tremendous mom guilt attached to it. I am officially back at work, full time with my SDS family, which meant putting Renée in daycare.
This morning was hectic. It was me running around making sure Renée had everything she needed for daycare, and by everything, I mean our whole house. It was my husband sleepily telling me “It’ll be okay babe”, and me snapping back “No, it won’t, because the daycare isn’t like home!” It was Mila tugging at my clothes saying “Mommy I don’t feel good”, while I was trying to get my shoes on. We eventually all made it out of the house to bring the girls to daycare. This was a family event *cue the waterworks again*
I broke down in tears while unbuckling NeeNeebear, while she looked ever so sweetly back at me, almost as if to say, “Mom, I’ll be okay, you’ll see”… cue all the mom feels and more waterworks. Thank god for waterproof makeup, which I’m sure did a terrible job at hiding my tear-filled eyes. Mila pranced over to her classroom and then it was Nee’s turn. I fought back the tears so hard and forced a crappy smile as I handed her over to the sweet teacher. They reassured me over and over, and I knew she’d be fine, but I couldn’t hold back, so, cue the endless waterworks.
How do we as moms find a balance? Truth is, most of us never do. Or maybe we will, but later down the road. I’ll tell you when I find it. But for the most part, we make all of these sacrifices. We make enormous sacrifices for our babies, and yet it comes with guilt. I haven’t figured out how to deal with my own mom guilt yet, except flood my brain with positive affirmations and tell myself, I’m a good mommy if I stay at home or if I work full time. I’ll share another blog once I figure out how I deal with it.
But surely enough, on my way to work, I FaceTimed my mom (yes, I call her for everything), sobbing and mumbling words only a mother could understand. She told me that all of what you just read is completely normal and that I was 150% allowed to feel this way. I am a mother. I will worry. I will always worry. She also told me that it takes a village to raise a child. Mind you, Ive heard this saying many times before and I said “Yes, mom I know…” but she stopped me right there and said to me, “…yes, but Shannon, you have to allow that village to raise that child” My God, cue more waterworks, but also fireworks! It clicked that I needed to step back and let go.
To whomever this may inspire and to whomever this story may resonate with, you’re doing just fine. Balance may just be a pretty dream for now, but enjoy life and all that it teaches you.
Also here’s the most adorable photo of Renee’s face